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|Sunday, December 9th, 2001|
Long day today. Every day has been a long day for quite some time. Today was good. That doesn't always happen though. That's life. Good days and bad days. Pretty and ugly days. It was so hard to get up for church this morning. I was late. It's been difficult to get up the past couple of weeks. School is so draining. On the go nonstop since Thanksgiving break.
Caroling today was good, but not like last year. A few things did stick out to me...one in particular. We went to a retirement/nursing home and this very old woman was in her wheelchair and making these pitiful crying sounds over and over again. She looked at me and all of us who passed with such sad/longing/fearful eyes. She wanted something. Love, I know that much. To be able to communicate. Her body is falling apart, making her unable to communicate with the rest of the human race, thus becoming subject to the dark corners of her own mind. Fear, sadness, lonliness...I think she just wanted someone to stay and sit with her. She was so frightnened and uncomfortable. Her fear was greater than just of the exterior world. I could see it in her eyes...deep blue emptying into her fear of the unknown. Of what is right around the corner for her. She's scared of dying. She doesn't think she's ready to go. She's trapped in her own body and mind. I want to go back and visit her. Hopefully I won't change my mind. Sometime this week perhaps. I can pray for her though. That's enough of that philoshophical stuff if you wanna call it that.
I'm sleepy. Current Mood: sleepy
|Thursday, April 5th, 2001|
Im in a very irritated mood right now. i cant explain what im feeling. Im irritated with myself...i feel like im getting no where w/ anything. I barely do anything for school. I feel so lazy yet i feel like i do so much. I cannot stand living in the dorms. Im tired of it here. I have only 6 weeks left living here...then im gone. Its not all bad. I just cant stand it anymore. All the superficial crap. ARGH! and im very irritated w/ so and so b/c he is being such a jerk, and that is not how he really is! He's just been this smart-alec all week...before that. and getting worse. I know it doesn't sound that bad written here...but he is just not himself. Just rude unthoughtful comments. He's being just plain mean. To me, to everyone. NOt all the time. He wasn't like this. He can be to an extent at times...i know part of the reason why. a very large part. Current Mood: annoyed
|Friday, February 2nd, 2001|
I almost forgot...right before I went running all these puffy clouds were rolling in and I was looking out our hallway window and the sun was streaming through them...it was so beautiful. A friend asked me if I was ok, and I said that they clouds were so pretty. The sky just always has attracted my attention. I think its God's canvas. When I first went running I ran behind the vet school and stood on edge of the hill and I could see the clouds and the landsape for miles. I just stood there for 5 minutes thinking to myself and talking to God...marveling out how beautiful the sky was.
Coming back from the library last night was so beautiful, yet freezing!!!! I wanted to just lay down on the ground and stare up at the clear night sky and the stars...the brightest I have ever seen them here since I've been in Columbia. I used to have to go home in order for me to see the stars, but last night, and Wednesday night I was able to see them clearly. Wednesday night I had gone to the library as well, to study. I ended up sitting in the alcove with architecture, landscape architecture, and art books. Then last night I just went in the periodical area. I can barely wait until summer time when I can take a blanket out in the grass and lay down on it and stare at the universe God made. It takes me back to camps when we would go and lay out on the basketball court and talk to God and we'd see shooting stars. When Jaclyn and I walking on the pitch black path to our cabins singing because we were scared(we had forgotten our flashlights). Our singing helped us to not be scared anymore(we were singing songs to God...mainly Seek Ye First) and when we got back into the cabin area we saw this gigantic shooting star. It was so awesome.
In the past two days I haven't been able to have a lot of time to have thoughts to myself. I've either been going somewhere or studying, then I would have to go to sleep. I'd fall asleep. I took a nap (sort of) and my thoughts came back to me. I was starting to get a little down again because I wasn't able to think as clearly, but I just needed the sort run I took to the park behind the vet school to enjoy the silence of the woods as well as the nap today so I could get back in tune with myslef and with God. Current Mood: drained yet radiant
|Tuesday, January 30th, 2001|
I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the close friends I have. They all came around at the right times too. Jaclyn in fourth grade through the rest of our secondary education, the friends I have from church, and now Rachel and the guys from St. Louie and 2 other awesome people. I was in such a state of confusion, paranoia, pain, you name it, thats how I felt as long as it was some state of misery. Going on that retreat, just getting away from familiarity and slowing down was so good for all of us that went. It brought me back to God. It brought me back to what I was before first semester, but it also picked me up even higher. He picked me up and took me higher and each step I take into the new semester the better it gets. I must pray in the mornings in the middle of the day and at night as well as read His word or else I start to fall back. Everyday. I won't listen to music that is depressing. God knew I had to come out of my shell and take the first step into the real world in order for me to be helped. People are willing to help, sometimes on....oh...gotta go to lunch again.
|Sunday, January 28th, 2001|
Tomorrow I'm pretty sure its going to snow. This weekend was amazing. The whole time I felt uneasy though. Like something wrong could've happened with my friends in Columbia. When we were at the New Earth Coffeehouse in Westport on Saturday night I just had this strange feeling that something wrong was very possible of happening. Around 9:45pm I told Rachel to get up and come with me because I needed to talk to her. I told her we needed to pray for everyone in Columbia. Especially all my friends on the sixth floor and affiliated with the pear tree people. Well, I'm exhausted so Im going to get school work done and go back to bed. God is good. REALLY AWESOME! WHOO HOO! Current Mood: radiant
|Friday, January 26th, 2001|
I am in the best of moods. Because I finally can truly be myself...around most everyone. Only if I keep God in my heart and my eyes on Him. Only if I think about Him morning noon and night. I didn't realize until just recently that all the true emotions; .love, happiness, joy...only came from God. Once I recognized that and told Him, even though I didn't feel like He was listening, I still told Him and I reached out for help. I couldn't get help from anyone but Him. I know I will make mistakes but I am comfortable with that. I am human. Our faults are what keep us in check. I love God! I no longer have anger towards people who look down on me. Actually when they do that that makes me even more strong. I know thats not really what they want to say (well, sometimes it is b/c they get so used to it it becomes a habit) because I felt that way before. I don't know why people think they can't open up and talk to each other. Maybe they don't want to deal with the pain. I didn't want to. I ignored the pain so much that I just stopped thinking about it all together and I became desensitized to everything. I neither felt love nor hate...but I wouldnt admit to myself that I did feel pain b/c I was led to believe that pain is not good. One has to let things out though. I kept all my feelings in and didn't tell anyone and it was destroying me. It almost completely destroyed my faith. I never had any in-depth relationships besides with Jaclyn (my bestest friend in the whole world) because I didn't reach out to others. My mother was taught in her family to hold things in, my father acted out all of his emotions. Which some things he should have kept to himself. She just expected to know what she was feeling and he didn't because he was too worried about himself and how others saw him and she was too worried about the same thing. Her way of coping was holding everything in and not telling anyone, and his way was telling everyone. Neither of them seem to be able to break the cycle. I know they still love each other. I don't want them to get back together until both of them understand why they are the way they are and admit to themselves that they feel pain, or admit to others that they feel pain. My mother never told my father why she felt as she did and if anything bothered her because she didn't want to feel pain. Didn't want to talk about...but on the inside she was well aware of it and she was dying...not her physical body but her soul. I can't wait to go home and talk to her! I understand now, and I understand because of God! Its sooo awesome and because I have him as my strength an not physical posessions (money or what money can buy) I can truly be myself. I am not chained down by my own guilt. For the first time I can love...real love. I can show it. That's what people want. I am truly happy and it is all because of God. Current Mood: pure bliss
|Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001|
Everything keeps getting more clear and more clear. Once I take the focus off myself and put it on others I see things I never had before.
Today was another beautiful day. Woke up a bit late so I couldn't get breakfast. Well, not until after my College Algebra class @ 9. I think its going to be hard, but as long as I work hard then I will get an A. I like it though. I know I will learn a lot. All I have to do is keep up the little things. I really like the TA. He is thoughtful of his students, unlike my last TA who looked at us as though we were complete idiots because we were in Math 5. So, I'm learning. Learning to be me, the true me. And I'm getting there very quickly. Very quickly. I guess I won't truly get there until the time is right, but I will always be growing. I'm really liking that Bush is president. Finally, another Republican. Except that he isn't like all the other politicians either. Which is definitely good. The only other class I had today was Landscape Awareness. I really really like it. A lot. Im excited about it, and even though we are doing presentations, I'm excited about those too.
Rachel came by for dinner tonight. I feel kinda guilty because she has to walk all the way over from Lathrop and at night...I don't want anything happening to her. I should go over there too. I think she was feeling pressed for time. Because she has an 8 o' clock. Me too. I should get to bed speaking of. The meeting was good tonight. All of us really needed that. I learned so much. We all did. Current Mood: accomplished
|Monday, January 22nd, 2001|
I think the reason why a lot of Christians are labeled hypocritical by those who aren't is because when one sees that someone else is a Christian, they expect a lot out of them. If that Christian doesn't measure up well then that person is weak so whatever they believe in can't be true. Which that assumption in and of itself is hypocritical because those who are the accusers are ignoring the fact that they aren't perfect either. I know...I was there once. I've been on both sides of the fence. I used to not be able to stand hearing anyone talk about God...but with out Him life is hell and with Him Im the happiest I've ever been. I get up and thank God for a new day. A new chance at life, at living, and a chance to live up to what God asks me to. Even though I always miserably fail he will always let me come back to Him. He will never reject me...I was the one who rejected myself. It was my own guilt I was wallowing in. Drowning in. I knew I was missing something though...so I attempted prayer. I told Him I needed Him and to help me get out of that state I was in. Everyday was so painful to live. I hurt inside so much...by what I accused others of doing to me but really it was I who had let it bother me. Its so hard to learn to love, but now I'm really starting to 'get it' and its better than anything else I've ever had. I just had to ask Him for help. I showed Him I wanted to change and He helped me with that because I couldnt do it by myself. Its not possible for anyone to improve their lives by themselves...they need others to lean on. I just happened to find those people to lean on at the right time. Current Mood: good
|Sunday, January 21st, 2001|
Its all in our state of mind. Current Mood: content
Im so happy...I'm learning to love again. Im learning to trust again. I'm learning to have compassion again. Not just what I thought these things were in my head..but the real thing. I am remembering things like David said at church the last Sunday before Jaclyn and Ryan went back. I miss her so much. I forgot how good a friend she is to me...I didnt forget, I just wasn't paying attention. I've been so worried about me and not paying attention to those around me. Now I'm starting to learn that people make generalizations, assumptions, and judgements about people and forget the fact that we are still supposed to love everyone. No matter how they treat us. If all they are doing is taking, and aren't giving any...still give to them. Im so happy these things are starting to come to me, and I can understand them more. I feel so much more alive. Everything is real. I have been a taker and not a giver...now its my turn to give back from what I've taken. Just how it is with God...He blesses us all the time, and we don't realize it but once we do finally come to the realization of how much He really does love us then it is our turn to give back. He's so good to me. Now I need to be good to others. Current Mood: cheerful
Im such a hypocrite.
Have I been so blind? I am an idiot. To think myself better than anyone else? Why? Yes I even told myself that I did not think that, but I lied to myself. I lied to my heart. There are so many great people out there and I don't deserve even for them to be in the same room with me. Maybe thats why they aren't there yet...because they are so much better. Yet I thought that just b/c they did things I didn't agree with that they were all bad...no in some cases they are much better people than me. Unselfish. Now I understand what my mother said when she said I had always been selfish...during one of our famous arguements which always end up with neither of us budging from our standpoints. Until recently. I've been blind to a lot more than I thought I have. Current Mood: horrible
|Saturday, January 20th, 2001|
Everything is becoming so alive to me...I can feel things again. At the moment Im not anymore the person without compassion, yet it would be easy for me to become that again.
The Lord is so good to me, I, I am but a sheep. To which shepard I follow is my choice. I choose Him, but time and time after I am led astray. I choose to be led astray. It is all within the constraints of my mind. It is I who am at fault, not those around me. I choose to listen to their words and take them to heart. But who's words are they really? Are they His? Or are they from the one who has forsaken Him? How do I make this dicernment? How do I understand? It is He who gives me the lesson of each day, each minute, each hour. None of this can I credit to myself. I have decieved myself...not others...I have. Coming to Him is the first step...enduring, and then He will come to us spiritually as well as physically. But it is He who reaches out to us knew beforehand what we would do...He reaches out constantly, but do I listen? No I am constantly worrying about how I appear to others. He calls us to reach out to others. To be that smiling face, to consider others feeling and different stages of life. I have gone through life thinking about how others hurt themselves more by holding back whatever it is they have to offer...yet I do the same. I have critisized others for making assumptions when I make assumptions all the time, though I am not conciously aware of it. Though I do not think about it more than I need to. I did it today...a friend had his TV on and several were watching golf, so I first assumed. I made a sarcastic comment about golf(which is actually ignorance-not golf, my comment) and one of those watching the show said that the golfer who had just made a hole in one, was blind. He assumed that I was making an assumption about the golfer without observing any further for necessary information. His assumption was correct, yet hypocritical, as am I. Most of us are hypocrites...whether we realize it or not. Most people go about life(yes...an assumption, I am yet another hypocrite in this world) thinking (at some point) they are headed in the right direction. That only they are right and that most others are wrong and if they have good ideas well then those people are almost on the right track. Whether conciously or unconciously this is done. I have done it, I have assumed things about people who I care very much for and those who I find hard to have compassion for. I assumed wrong...and I only went on that, I did not think beyond. I did not truly think about those I care about for the majority of my time on earth. I ask God that I might be selfless, this is the lesson the Lord has for me today, everything that is happening is coming together for me into one word. Love. He is teaching me to be selfless, He has been trying all along. It takes some good people I truly care about and a movie to get the point across to me. I am so stubborn. It is my job to teach and tell others, but its not only teaching and telling it is living it. There are those who do not excersize a faith very much yet they lead the good life. Yes they make mistakes but even without a faith to teach them they choose to do whats right. I, with my developing faith have countlessly gotten lost and failed to measure up to what I could be, what He wants me to be. Because I was too wrapped up in me. Only recently have I received glimpses of what nothingness I am and how big God is. Quite overwhelming. He knows what I can and cannot take. I've caught myself up in my own pride. I have suppressed another because I didn't want to be beaten. (Cross-country is a main example). It didnt work for long. That can be very dangerous to someone who isn't sure of themselves. My history t.a. could very well be dangerous in the fact that he assumes everything. He intimidates. He argues both sides of the coin so its hard to tell what his true nature is. Im very tired...I've exhausted my little brain out with all this thinking. I tend to think a lot for a small period of time and then not think at all for a larger period of time. During that time I hurt the ones I most care about. I never meant to, but I was still wrong. Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, January 18th, 2001|
Im sooooooo exhausted. Today was the first day of classes for the new semester. I really think I will like them all, now that I know what I need to do to do well. Plus last semester I wasn't thinking a great deal...about anything...so I didnt really care about my classes. I did to a point, but I had the wrong incentives. I wanted to get good grades...but I needed to go beyond that and do it for the learning. I have learned soooo much say the end of last semester , all of break and just the few days I've been back. Im really tired now...had 5 classes today and I joined the Choral Union...I like it. A lot. I need to brush up on my music reading. Well, got stuff to do. I hope not too much homework. Eek. Current Mood: accomplished
|Tuesday, December 19th, 2000|
Ohhhhh, its been so busy but its all over! Yeah baby!!!!!! Last final today...algebra. Aced that puppy. I should have anyways, but it feels good to know that I got 100%. Hehehehehehe! I should go to bed. Its late. But I still want to get some Christmas cards done. I dont want to go to bed. Because I dont have to! Whoo hoo!!!!! Friday night wasnt really eventful. I went to a math review, then I hung out w/ Brett and Brian...watched saving private ryan. Very graphic. I didnt really care for it. I dont see what the big deal about that movie was. It was ok. Just not something that really moved me. Saturday I was pretty busy. Hehe..not really. Got up late. Studied. Went shopping, which was insane. I only found some cards and some candy for a friend forChristmas...but i ended up eating that. I have to go shopping tomorrow anyway, so I will get some more. Gummy sharks are pretty good. Ben seems to like them a lot. He's so funny. Oh, so then I got back and went to the restoration Christmas party which was really nice. Joanna made this really good, I mean REALLY GOOD Christmas dinner. Turkey, mashed potatoes, the works. I left early because Brian got me a ticket to go see What Women Want...(very good, very funny movie), so I went to that. Soooo freezing outside. After that, PBW people were going to a truck stop on I70 to grab something to eat and dance. Well, I didnt get anything, and there wasnt any dancing. I shouldnt have even gone. It was stupid, I had fun with the people, sort of, I was in a weird mood though. Really rough people there. So got back 2 ish. Man getting up for church was not easy. Had to go wake up Ryan. Pissed off Eric in the process, but oh well. He should get over it. Church was really good. It was a prayer meeting, and I prayed, and shared a testimony. I have such a hard time speaking in public, but I knew thats what I had to do. Will got me this awesome CD...the Jesus record by Rich Mullins and the Ragamuffin band. So I listened to that and studied and then went to his graduation. Brad and Zach came to it. It was good to see them. They are so much fun. Hilarious, a good sense of humor is great. Man its windy outside. Oh, so afterwards we went to Olive Garden. I wasnt going to get anything but they insisted that I did, so now I owe Brad 7 bucks. Allena came too. She is weird. Nice girl but an odd one. She'd say something completely stupid that there would be this awkward silence. Not really good. She's dealing with a lot right now though. The whole night was weird though. Everyone was saying stupid things and we all made each other uncomfortable. Not too bad. It was fun. Just not any good conversation. Thats about it. The update. I get confused...to which day it is. I should really write everyday. But I just didnt feel like it. Im going to bed. Current Mood: tired
|Friday, December 15th, 2000|
I hate feeling like this! I feel like something is not quite right. Im slipping back again...dang it! I really wanted to handle things differently this week. I dont know. Arrgh. I really want to scream at myself right now.
Today was a frustrating day. I got up at 7 to see if school was closed. Nope. So I had to call and tell them I couldnt go tutor. Then I went back to bed. Then some idiot called at 10 till 10, which was when I wanted to get up...so I decided I should sleep just a little more. I then proceeded to sleep past 11. Got up, went to eat lunch by myself, which I really dont mind. I like to watch people. They are definately interesting. Then I studied Botany which I have no clue if anything sunk in. Then I took my stupid final, which I probably didnt do well, or bad on. Came back. Ate dinner w/ Brett, Brian, Harley and his roomate Adam I think, and some Matt guy who is friends w/ them. Interesting. I really dislike it when guys think they have to be perverted to fit in. I went to my review at 6pm, boring. Very boring. Came back. Thought. Then went downstairs and watched Apollo 13 w/ Brian and Jim. I really dont like that movie. Its boring too. Im just in the weirdest mood right now. Very irritated at myself. Ok, thats all. Current Mood: irritated
|Tuesday, December 12th, 2000|
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Trying to cram a bunch of botany crap in my head is insane! I should have done the work when I first got it. Arrgghh! Well, I definately learned my lesson. 4 or so hours of studying will make a person crazy.
I was supposed to tutor today. At 9am. So I get up @ 7:30 and get ready and all, and walk to my car around 8:45. Thinking it would take me 5 minutes to scrape all the ice off. Ha! Took me a half hour. Had to start it, and turn on the defrost full blast as I scraped. I kept getting in and out because my hands were freezing even through my gloves. So I finally chip most the ice off and I get going on my way to Field, when I get there lo and behold...no school. Excellent. God definately has a sense of humor. Teaches me to pay attention to the local news. Im not irritated about it...I think its quite funny. Well, I got in a bunch of studying.
Tonight is the Liahona meeting. Turmoil over the weekend hasnt been completely resolved but I think everything will be fine. I know it will.
I really need to go Christmas shopping. Friday. Got to go. Current Mood: stressed
Things are so much more clear right now. My mind is not all cluttered like it was. This is excellent. There are still a lot of things on my mind, but this is great. Talking to the person I spoke to just cleared up more than things with him. I know why he thinks the way he does...trying to fit something greater to him. When it works the other way around. Im so amazed everyday at how He's always there. In everything. I was just so confused which I know what caused that. Its ok to have the feelings I did, and talking about them helped immensely. Ok, gotta get some stuff done. Got work tomorrow. Then Matt is visiting. At least I can study now, earlier I was trying and just could not.
Today was my last class. Algebra. My gosh I could have easily had 100% in that class. Im such a slacker sometimes. But now I finally see my mistake.
It iced last night. I hope Brad and Zach made it home ok. Im assuming so. Trying to get to class was...interesting. Everyone was slipping and falling all over the place.
When it snowed I knew everything would be ok.
I took a nice nap and then proceeded to try and sort my brain, which didnt work. I just had to trust. Trying to overanalyze something is not good. Current Mood: i get it
|Monday, December 11th, 2000|
hhhhhhhhh! It all makes sense!!! But my brain!!!!! I have so many things that are going through my head I cant concentrate on what I need to study! Its overwhelming! Thats what I get for being so wrapped up in myself for a semester. but it makes sense! Everything fits together so perfectly! How could it be anything else. I was reading in my botany book about genetics and DNA and how in each of the cells in our bodies(or plants) all have the same kind of DNA unique to only one body. Yet all the cells are so different, but they have the same DNA in them. Thats like God. All of us as humans are so so so different, yet God is in each of us. Wow. Ok, back to studying, in a minute. There has been so much stuff going on since the retreat. Just spiritual struggles. And so many things I've missed out on, but I had to learn. I just chose the hard way. But I dont regret anything. Ok, going to study. Current Mood: frustrated